Roles and Relationships

Relationships...they can be rewarding. You meet someone and you become friends. Maybe you have things in common, maybe you work together on a project. Roles and relationships are defined, and things are understood.

Relationships...they can be confusing. You know someone for a long time. Roles and relationships are pre-established, and things are presumed to be understood. The problem is, the roles are not understood...and the roles are not discussed, because the conversation is uncomfortable.

Why don't we have the difficult conversations? When there is conflict, why don't we talk about it? Why is there conflict between people who care for each other? In the bible, James offers an opinion when he says in Chapter 4:

"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it." (emphasis mine)

If it was obvious when we acted this way, it would be easy. But we want our own way, because it is "the best way." We tell one another that "you aren't wrong, but I want to offer a different perspective." Nobody can argue with a different perspective, right? My opinion is that we camouflage what we say enough so that we think we have the right to say whatever we want. After all, it's just my opinion and I am entitled to my opinion, right? Let me say this...if you think I am wrong, tell me. But, understand that I think I am right, and just because you disagree doesn't make it so.

Additionally, if our friendship is strong enough for you to offer your opinion, be prepared to listen to mine. Don't think that yours is right, just because of the roles which we may have played in the past. Don't assume mine is right just because it's mine, but listen to it. Be prepared to have the difficult conversations, if the relationship is worth it. It may be difficult because of the roles we have played in the past. In fact, it will be difficult to get past the roles we may think we are expected to play...expected to play.

Roles can change, but the new roles must be understood. If not, nothing will change. We'll work on the project and get the job done. And then we will go our seperate ways. The only way to understand is to have the discussions...even the difficult ones. Each person must decide if the effort is worth what can be achieved. I think it is.

Consequences

The courts have decided not to prosecute Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps for possession of marijuana. The reason? "Not enough physical evidence."

Phelps described his behavior as "regrettable", "bad judgement", and "inappropriate."

According to the Minneapolis Star Tribune, (http://www.startribune.com/) Phelps, 23, and his team have not disputed the photo's accuracy. Phelps has issued a public apology, acknowledging "regrettable" behavior and "bad judgment" after the photo appeared. The photo appeared? So, let me get this straight...we have a PHOTOGRAPH of Michael Phelps smoking marijuana from a pipe? Phelps has apologized, acknowledged regrettable behavior and bad judgement. How much physical evidence does it take? He CONFESSED!

We wonder why values are confused. We wonder why people do things that we don't understand. My opinion (and isn't that really what this is all about?) is that there are no consequences associated with bad behavior.

We have children in elementary school who pick on other children. So, we develop "anti-bullying" programs. What are the consequences for bullying? I don't know, but they must not be sufficient, because children progress from being "bullies" to being "gang members." And the gang members don't even try to hide...they dress alike.

We have CEO's who profit from investments that succeed, and lose when the investments fail. Oh, that it were true. Instead, they profit with success, and profit a little less when the investments fail.

According to the Associated Press, major league baseball commissioner Bud Selig says " I don't want to be blamed for the steroid problem in baseball. It bugs the (expletive) out of me. We tried to implement a steroid policy and were fought by the union every step of the way." OK, Bud, we won't blame you. Who do we blame? Who accepts responsibility? Selig went on to say "What Alex (Rodriguez) did was wrong and he will have to live with the damage he has done to his name and reputation," the commissioner said Thursday, three days after the Yankees star admitted using banned substances from 2001-2003 while playing for the Texas Rangers.

You might think that since Rodriguez admits using steroids, that he might be punished. No, he won't, because the tests he took were designed to expose the level of steroid abuse in baseball.

We ask why the rules are different for major league athletes than they are for the rest of us. Fair question, I agree. But here are a couple of my questions - Why do we allow elementary school children to bully other elementary school children without consequences? Why do we allow middle school and high school students to wear gang colors to school? Why (and maybe this is just me) do we allow young men to wear pants secured at their knees that are designed to be worn at the waist and cover the butt?

I think I know why. I think we are too busy doing what we think we have to do to have time to do what we know we need to do. We are too busy worrying about budget cuts and unemployment (worth while as they are) to teach about the consequences of behavior.

So, A-Rod, please follow the rules. But if you don't, we'll look the other way. Michael Phelps, you are arguably the greatest swimmer of all time. Smoke a little dope, we'll look the other way.

To those in elementary and middle school, please follow the rules. Because, while we aren't looking the other way, we don't know what to do, because we have demonstrated that there are no consequences for bad behavior. We want consequences, but we just don't have time to figure out what they are and how to implement them. And, oh yea, we have to find more money because the state may not make their next payroll.

Michael Phelps will suffer consequences, to be sure. Kellogg's has dropped them as their spokesman. Not a good role model, they said. I thought Charles Barkley said professional athletes were not role models. I am so confused.


Two final comments:

(1) To the executives at Kellogg's - I am a great role model. I am a middle aged man who has never taken drugs. I can't swim exceptionally well, and I can't run very fast. However, I am drug free and available. Also, my salary expectations are not as high as you previous spokesman.

(2) To the young men with the baggy pants. Please pull them up, I am very nervous that they are going to the ground at any minute.

The Four "F's"

Every one should have a montra...a "life's motto." Something like "Be the best you can be!" "Take nothing with you, leave nothing but footprints." "Love you neighbor as yourself."

I was talking with a good friend recently. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I was thinking about what to write. He suggested that I write about his montra, which is "Live Your Life by the Four F's" I asked him what that meant and this is what he told me.

Live your life by the four "F's". Here are my friend's "Four "F's".

Faith: I am a Christian, and I think everyone should be. If you tell me you would like to discuss my faith, I will immediately think that you want to discuss my faith in God. However, not everyone would immediately tie faith to God. The bible defines faith as follows (Hebrews 11:1): "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, (and) the evidence of things unseen."


Faith can also be defined as "the essential part of a thing;" If faith is "the essential part of" things hoped for, then how can we hope for anything without faith? Can we hope that our favorite team will win if, in our heart, we know they have no chance? No, we can only cheer for them with a basis in faith.


Faith can also represent a commitment to honor and integrity. A commitment to a marriage is a commitment of faith. A commitment to service in the military is a commitment in faith. I have a young friend who recently began his commitment of service in the United States Air Force. He has faith in his country and will serve it honorably.

Family: I have a great family. Both of my parents are still living. I have a brother who is two years older than I. I have a sister who is ten years younger. Both of them are married and have wonderful families. I have another member of the family. He is not legally my brother, but that's how I think of him. He has a wonderful wife and two sons. I have a wife and two great daughters. I have a great family.

But what if your parents are already gone? What if they were always gone? Maybe you're an only child...what family do you have? Family can also be a group of people who are not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals. Another example of family is a "church family." People who share common attitudes and goals. I don't think a church family can replace your natural family, but it can fill an important role.


What if you are not a part of a church? Your friends can be like family.

Friends:

But what are friends? A friend is someone that will look you in the eye and tell you that you are messing up. A friend will demand more from you than you sometimes demand from yourself. A friend will loan you money, never expecting to get it back...and then make sure you repay them. Not for their sake, but for yours. A friend is someone who will help you when you need help, and then ask you to repay the favor. A friend is, in our case, someone who will help you move...again and again and again.

I am a man who is blessed with many friends. When you move as much as I have, you have the chance to develop friendships. I have two friends from grade school, and that was a long time ago. We don't keep in touch regularly, but it is a good day when we run in to each other. One of my friends' dad passed away a number of years ago. When I arrived at the funeral, my friend said "I can't believe you came. I really appreciate you're being here." I replied that I knew that if the situation was reversed, he would be there for me. We agreed that going to family funerals is "what friends do." I have friends from high school and college, and from various places where I have worked.

Friends will tell you what you need to hear, even if you don't want to hear it. For several years, I was a part of an accountability group. A group of men who met on alternating Friday mornings at 6am. We held each other accountable in our Christian walk, our marriage and other areas of our life. These men had (and have) permission to tell me what I need to hear. I expect them to, and would be disappointed if they did not. I am no longer a member of this group, but these men still have permission to tell me what I need to hear.

As I said in an earlier entry, I like making new friends. However, technology allows us to have contact with friends from our past...old friends, if you will. When push comes to shove, I like old friends better than new ones. How long before a new friends becomes an old friend? I don't know, but you can tell.

Fun: What's fun for you may be different that what's fun for me. What's fun for me? Here is a short list:


Golf - sometimes

Hiking with a friend

Hunting with a friend

Church

Sports

Travel


Helping a friend move ( sick, huh?)

Talking with a friend.


You see, I have the most fun when I am with other people. I have the most fun with family, and they are my best friends. We share a common faith, as well.

The four "F's"...faith, family, friends and fun. While they may initially appear separate from one another, they are all connected. Maybe that is what my friend wanted me to see when he asked me to write about his montra. They are "all inclusive." Everything we do touches one of them.

What is your "life's motto?" What values affect everything you do, and everything you are? Who are the people that are the most important in your life? These are questions worth asking.
You can learn a lot about people by asking them about their "life's motto", but you will learn more about yourself by deciding yours.



Just some (not so) random thoughts.

My Oldest Daughter

Let me tell you about my oldest daughter.

She is a student at a Midwestern Christian college in a cooperative program with the Big 12 University across the street. She is following a course of study that will equip her as a school teacher. She will probably teach English, either at the middle school or senior high level. When asked why, she might say "I just love grammar." (Who loves grammar?)

She and I are best friends. I know this because I don't have as much fun with anyone as her, nor do I fight and argue with anyone more than her. When she was young, her mother and I used to be so encouraged by her strong will and unwillingness to give in to others. I still like this, except when I am on the other side of the discussion. With her, the answer "Because I said so" may produce results, but never resolution.

She drives an "older" Honda automobile. Her boyfriend worries about her car, and he probably should. Why does she drive a Honda? Because she always wanted a Honda. Her Honda has lasted from her senior year in High School until now. Her radio has been stolen (twice). Why do I tell you about her car? Here's the reason...it because of her mother's car.

Her mother's car is an Isuzu Trooper. For the past month, the Trooper has been out of commission. First, a flat tire and now it just isn't running well. I have a friend, named Joe, who works on our cars. The challenge is working into his schedule.

While their mothers car has been out of commission, both of the girls have been willing to loan her their car. We have imposed on our older daughter more than our younger. This is inconvenient to her, but she doesn't complain.(At least to me) Her spirit is one of cooperation and service. What a compliment that is to us as parents, because we are vain enough to think that we had something to do with teaching her to think that way. But, more than to us, it is a compliment to her.

Oh, by the way...she is also beautiful. Not just on the outside, but inside as well. I told a friend recently that all I can hope as a parent of two girls is that they would (1) Love God and trust Jesus as their savior and (2) marry Christian men, if they choose to marry. That's it...but do you know what? They also give me one more thing, they love their mother and me. That's pretty great, don't you agree?

And, one more thing. They laugh at my jokes. Especially the oldest daughter, she always laughs. Thanks sweetheart.

Differences in Opinion (aka Worship Wars)

I go to church every Sunday. I have probably not missed going to church more than a dozen Sundays in my life. I was blessed to be raised in a family was attending church was important. But it was different then. Church was something we talked about, but faith was a private matter, a motivator to do good things.

I remember our church in my hometown. It wasn't very large, as I recall. My family would go to church, sing songs out of the book, and then we would listen to the preacher talk for what seemed like hours. There was one service, and it probably happened at 11:00am. As I recall (it's been a really long time) Sunday School was before church. I know it was downstairs, and I can almost smell the musty, moldy room to this day. (Nobody argued about the songs we sang then.)After church, we would either eat lunch at home, or we might drive about an hour to see my grandparents. (They are both gone now, and I miss them.)

Susie and I have moved a lot. Everywhere we have gone, we have found a church. Some good ones, some really good ones. I think without our connection to the church, we might have had a very difficult time with all the moves. We have attended mostly Independent Christian Churches, with the exception of our time in Raleigh. In Raleigh we attended a Baptist church, with perhaps the best preacher I have ever heard. His name is Stephen Davies, and God has remarkably ordained this man. We never asked "what kind of songs do you sing?" We just found a church and plugged in.

It seems that is has only been in the past fifteen years or so that these distinct differences in worship style have been allowed to permeate our churches. Maybe it has been longer, I don't know. I do know this, that (my opinion) we have allowed "contemporary worship" to move beyond worship to entertainment. We spend thirty minutes singing songs, most of them scripture based. I don't like most of them. Not because they are not scriptural, I just don't like them. But what I really struggle with is the entertainment atmosphere that is created in church. Dark lights, guitars and amplifiers, drums...you know. I think church has become too relaxed...too informal. I don't mean we need to go back to wearing suits and/or dresses. We just need to acknowledge the holiness of where we are and what we are trying to do.

Susie loves contemporary worship. I love traditional worship. Our solution is to go to church twice. Once to the "traditional service" for me, and then to the "contemporary service" for Susie. Please don't presume that all I am talking about is the music. I refer to the attitude the permeates the service. The traditional service has an attitude of respect, while the contemporary service has more of an attitude of entertainment. I think we need to meet somewhere in the middle.

That's enough, except for one thing. Can we please quit asking God to come and be a part of our worship? God has invited us to approach his throne, and we continue to ask him to approach us. I really think that most of us, me included sometimes, would rather God became like us instead of asking us to become more like Him.

Worship is more than music, I agree. But it seems like the music is what drives most of the conversation about worship, wouldn't you agree?

Doing the Minimum

This season is tax season. I worked for three employers last year...two full time and one part time. I need w-2's in order to file my taxes.

I received a call from the part time employer about two weeks ago, asking me to come by and pick up my w-2. They also told me that if it was more convenient, they would mail it to me. I picked it up. I like those guys and enjoy seeing them from time to time.

I went by the first full time employer yesterday to pick up the w-2. They told me it had been mailed, and if I did not receive it they would call the accountant and get me another one. The
w-2 arrived today. I am sorry that opportunity didn't work out, because I like those people.

I have not received my w-2 from the other employer, so I called them. I spoke with their administrative assistant. She told me that she and one of the owners talked about me last week. They did not know where to mail my w-2, but thought that eventually I would want the form, and I would call them. They had my telephone number, surely had some address from the paperwork I filled out when hired, but did not use either of those. They decided they would wait for me to call. I'm glad I did not wait any longer and called today.

I could tell you the name of this firm, but you know who they are. They are the grocery store, the hardware store, or the box store. They see that you need help and walk the other way to avoid any extra work. They are anyone that knows what needs to be done, and doesn't do it. Sometimes it's me, and I suspect sometimes it's you.

Soon, there will be an opportunity to help someone. You will see it and so will I. What will we do? Will we wait to be asked, or will we see the need and offer a hand? I know what I will do, or at least what I should do...

My Older Brother

I have an older brother. He is two years older than I, and I have a great deal of respect for him. Several years ago, at Christmas, he suggested that we all write the answers to five questions. I asked him why he suggested this, and he told me. I don't have his permission to share the reason, so I won't. Here are the questions:

(1) What is my life's motto?

(2) What do I want (our youngest nephew) to write on my tombstone?

(3) What was the most interesting thing I did last year?

(4) What is the most interesting thing I will do this year?

(5) What will I be doing five years from now and where? (Be specific...he wants to know what kind of car I will be driving, if I will have a dog and what breed.)

The questions make us stop and think about what we did and what we are going to do. The bad thing is he keeps the answers from last year and asks if we were true to our list. He holds us (me) accountable. Thinking about these sorts of things is worthwhile. I'm glad we do it.


By the way, it may not be the most interesting thing I do this year, but I am going to see Mt. Rushmore. (Or,as we describe it...the heads.) I said I was going last year, but this year I will be true to my word. If you want to go with me, let me know. If not, maybe I'll write about it when I get back.

I'm glad people ask questions...and hold us accountable. I'm more glad that I have an older brother.

My Youngest Daughter

My wife is out of town for a few days. She is in California attending an educational conference. Since she is gone, I invited both of the girls to lunch today. Hannah already had plans, but Sarah joined me.

Let me tell you about my youngest dayghter. (She told me I could) She is twenty years old. She is a junior in college, preparing to work as a Child Life Specialist with children suffering from cancer. I asked her why she would do that, considering the emotional stress that will place on her. Her answer was, essentially, that she wants to "make a difference." Sarah is about as centered as any young person I know. She has her spiritual priorities in order. She wants a relationship, but it will need to be on her terms. But if you ask her what she wants to do, she wants to make a difference.

I am not sure I approach life that way, even today. I know I didn't at age twenty.

Today is the Superbowl. Some friends from church invited us to watch the game with them. Since my wife is out of town, I am pretty much at a loss as to what sort of snack to take with me. I mentioned this at lunch. "How about those sausages wrapped in biscuits?"my daughter suggested. My response was "How exactly do you make those?" Her response? "I'll make them for you, Daddy...pick them up on your way."

Thanks, sweetheart...you made a difference today.