Friends from Hawaii

I think everyone should have friends who live in Hawaii. When you have such friends, planning a vacation becomes pretty easy. The question "Where should we go" is pretty easy to answer..."We're going to Hawaii."

We have such friends. I won't mention their name, because it's not the point. We have known them for several years. We went to church with them while they lived here in Manhattan. Their story has quite a bit to do with how we came to know them.

They had a child that was killed in an automobile accident. It was tragic, to say the least. When you have a friend that needs your help, and there is nothing you can really do, that is a tough place to be. You try to say the right thing, or at least to not say the wrong thing. Usually, you just don't say anything at all...and that's probably not the right thing either.

I got to drive them to the airport this week. On the way there, these friends asked me how they could pray for me (us.) When anyone asks us "how can I pray for you", the answer is the same. Pray that our (stupid) house in Oklahoma will sell soon. (By the way, if you are reading this, please stop right now and pray that our house will sell soon. Right now.) When I asked them, one of them said that she is speaking this next week to a group of ladies and telling them "her story." I knew exactly what she meant when she said "her story." This family's life changed when the accident happened. There are two parts of their life...before the funeral and after the funeral.

The thing that impresses me about these people is that, as tragic as this event in their life was...they refuse to be completely defined by it. They refuse to quit. They instead take their tragedy and allow God to minister to others through them.

Here are three principles I have learned from my friends from Hawaii:

Don't focus on what you have lost.

If any family has a right to be bitter, it is this family. They were doing life right, but all earthly standards. They are Christians, and not the kind that just talk about it. They really do love God with all their heart, etc. They really do love other people more than they love themselves. When a family suffers the loss of a child, sometimes their life seems to freeze at that point in time. It almost seems that if they continue their life, they are guilty of forgetting the one that is lost. In our heads, we know that is not true. But in our hearts we are not so sure.

When the apostle Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14 "Brethren, I do not regard myself of having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Forgetting what lies behind. I choose to think that God, through Paul, may have meant that we are not to dwell on what lies behind, rather than forgetting about it entirely. Paul referenced his past from time to time, but he did not dwell on it. This family does not focus entirely on what they lost, but they will never completely forget about her.

Use your experience(s) to help others.

This is simple, I suppose. Lots of people are hurting, for lots of different reasons. Everyone is going through a difficult time, in one way or another. People who have experienced loss in their lives are uniquely positioned to identify with others when they suffer loss. I remember talking with a friend who had just lost his job. I could look him in the eye and tell him, with authority, that he would survive. I had lost my job, and survived. It is not just false platitudes when you speak comfort to a person if you come from your own experience. We are who we are because of all of the experiences we have, both good and bad. Use your experience to minister to others.

When you minister to others, don't talk only about your loss; focus on theirs, even if their loss reminds you of yours.

OK, is it just me, or does this seem to fly in the face of what I just said? It really doesn't. Even
though another person's loss will, no doubt, remind you of yours, don't talk about it. Not even a little bit...even if you think, no, even if you are sure that telling them about your loss will help them deal with theirs. When you are with the other person, let it all be about them and their situation. It will remind you of your loss, and that's only natural. When you are with them, let it be entirely about them. Listen more than you speak.

My friends are extraordinary people. They would disagree, and I would tell them they are wrong. They are stronger than most people. They have endured a tremendous loss, but refuse to allow their loss to define them. They use their loss to minister to others. They focus more on other people than on themselves. Most of all, they recognize and proclaim God's truth...even as it is related in Romans 8:28, where Paul says "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

We're fortunate to have friends who live in Hawaii. We are more fortunate to share a common faith in a God who can see us through any circumstance

Losing A Friend

I lost a friend last week. His name is Hiram Cassel.

Hiram epitomized what it means to serve God. He pursued education and gained the credentials necessary to serve as a pastor/teacher in various churches in Oklahoma and Kansas. Later he served on the staff of Manhattan Christian College as a professor and administrator.

I first met Hiram in 1975 at University Christian Church. I sang in the choir with his wife, Marci. We remain friends today. I watched Hiram and Marci minister to churches throughout Kansas. Two churches come particularly to mind.

First, Anthony Christian Church. Anthony, Kansas is a small, farming community in south central Kansas. Anthony Christian Church was the church where my grandparents worshipped for most, if not all of their life. The pastor there is a graduate of Manhattan Christian College, and he has a genuine heart for the people of that small town. Hiram Cassel conducted numerous revivals in Anthony, Ks. My grandparents held Hiram in high esteem, and would ask about him when I spoke of Manhattan Christian College. What's more, Hiram asked about them.

The second church is Town and Country Christian Church in Topeka, Kansas. If I have a "home-church", it is probably Town and Country. My family worshipped there when we moved to Topeka, and for many years thereafter. Hiram also spoke at the church in Topeka. While I don't remember the occasion, I know it is true because Hiram spoke at one time or another at every Christian church in Kansas.

Hiram was not physically healthy during the final years of his life. In fact, it was noted at his memorial service that we thought we had "lost" Hiram on several occasions prior to his actual death. Hiram never gave up, he never "lost" hope. Lost...an interesting choice of words.

I have lost things before. When I lose things, I don't know where they are. I look for them, even search for them sometimes. I worry about them until I find them. I lose my favorite pen from time to time, and when I do, I search for it. When it is found, I put it in a place where it will be safe...secure...I know where it is.

Have you ever loaned something to a friend? Something of value? Sometimes, the friend will keep the item so long we think it is lost. I have, and I always glad to have it returned to me. Even though I know that my friend will take care of it, I feel better when it is returned.

Hiram...lost? No. Do I know where he is? Without a doubt, I know that Hiram is in heaven; he is worshipping at the feet of Jesus He is in a place that is safe...secure. Am I worried about Hiram? Not any more.

Maybe Hiram never really belonged to us at all. Maybe, just maybe, he belonged to God, and God had just loaned him to us. Loaned him to us because we had a job to do, and having Hiram in our life(s) made our job easier. We kept Hiram a long time. Maybe the job we had to do, with Hiram's help, is complete. True? I don't think Hiram would tell us it is true. Hiram would tell us to keep working...keep building the kingdom. He would also tell us that if we were paying attention, he taught us how to complete the task. The job is not done, but Hiram's part is complete.

Thanks, God, for loaning Hiram to us. We kept him longer than we thought we would, because we needed him. Hiram, like some tools, eventually wore out. While we replace tools, we won't replace Hiram. We can't and we don't want to. Hiram will always be a part of us, of me. But we are to go on with the project of building the kingdom.

I lost a friend? Not really. The owner just asked for his return. Fair, really, because he is the owner. Hiram was not mine...not ours, but God's. I will miss him, because he made my job easier, he made my life better. But he is not lost...he is home, right where he belonged all the time.

Accountability

Every other Friday morning, before daybreak, a group of men meet for breakfast at a local church.

These are not men who have a great deal of extra time in their lives. These men are professionals...doctors, college administrators, and self employed businessmen who have plenty to do, without committing two hours every other week to having breakfast together. Some have young children, all have wives...all have responsibilities to which they will attend. But, they meet for breakfast. Why breakfast? Our generation generally skips breakfast, or at least eats it on the run. We buy it on the way to work, often at the "drive-through" window. Why would a group of men take time away from their families and jobs to meet for breakfast at 5:30 am? Simply put, when men get together to do much of anything, there had better be food involved.

When we meet for breakfast, there are about eight men who meet for prayer, and to hold one another accountable in their daily lives. Eight men who have given each other permission to ask each other personal, intimate, challenging questions about how they are living their lives. Men who hold one another accountable for the answers.

Everyone needs someone in their life to hold them accountable. If married, our spouse has the right to ask us any question, I repeat, any question. And we have the responsibility to answer the question honestly. We are accountable to one another. But in my life it is beneficial to have other people, other men to hold me accountable. Men who face similar challenges to the ones I face. Similar challenges, similar temptations. Men who will look me in the eye and ask me the hard questions.

Who do you have in your life that will ask you the difficult questions, and not let you escape with a "non-answer"? I don't think it necessarily matters who it is, but we all need someone. Ultimately we are accountable and will answer to God. But, for the time being, I need someone with skin on.

Our House in Oklahoma

We (Susie and I) own a lovely house in Oklahoma. It has four bedrooms, two and one half bathrooms, and two double garages. It has a nice view of Grand Lake about half the year. The rest of the time, it has a nice view of the trees that block the view of the lake. We bought it when we moved to Grove. The problem is, we no longer live in Grove. We left and the house has been on the market for about two years.

Tomorrow I will sign papers to list the house with a realtor. This will be our third one. Every realtor has said they can sell the house, and they have told me what price to ask. The first one said the house would sell for about thirty thousand more than its current price. He was recommended to me by a friend. He did not sell our house. I don't think he ever even showed our house to a prospect. The second agent called me when the first listing expired. He did all of the right things, I guess. He did not sell our house, either. So, tomorrow, I will sign papers to list the house with the third real estate agent. He and his broker/manager looked at the house and have assured me the price is fair and, yes, they can sell it.

They have suggested we do a few things. We will do them. We will have to hire most of the work done. The work we will do ourselves will need to wait a couple of weeks, but we will do it.

Someone told me once that people buy houses and then live in homes. Even though we no longer live there, I still like the house. It has a lot of space, a nice lot, lots of storage space, and a great lake view...most of the time. I don't know if this is true or not, that stuff about houses and homes. I do know this...one of these days, the right person will look at this house and decide it is right for them. When that happens, maybe it will become their home. Until then, it will remain our house.