Friends from Hawaii

I think everyone should have friends who live in Hawaii. When you have such friends, planning a vacation becomes pretty easy. The question "Where should we go" is pretty easy to answer..."We're going to Hawaii."

We have such friends. I won't mention their name, because it's not the point. We have known them for several years. We went to church with them while they lived here in Manhattan. Their story has quite a bit to do with how we came to know them.

They had a child that was killed in an automobile accident. It was tragic, to say the least. When you have a friend that needs your help, and there is nothing you can really do, that is a tough place to be. You try to say the right thing, or at least to not say the wrong thing. Usually, you just don't say anything at all...and that's probably not the right thing either.

I got to drive them to the airport this week. On the way there, these friends asked me how they could pray for me (us.) When anyone asks us "how can I pray for you", the answer is the same. Pray that our (stupid) house in Oklahoma will sell soon. (By the way, if you are reading this, please stop right now and pray that our house will sell soon. Right now.) When I asked them, one of them said that she is speaking this next week to a group of ladies and telling them "her story." I knew exactly what she meant when she said "her story." This family's life changed when the accident happened. There are two parts of their life...before the funeral and after the funeral.

The thing that impresses me about these people is that, as tragic as this event in their life was...they refuse to be completely defined by it. They refuse to quit. They instead take their tragedy and allow God to minister to others through them.

Here are three principles I have learned from my friends from Hawaii:

Don't focus on what you have lost.

If any family has a right to be bitter, it is this family. They were doing life right, but all earthly standards. They are Christians, and not the kind that just talk about it. They really do love God with all their heart, etc. They really do love other people more than they love themselves. When a family suffers the loss of a child, sometimes their life seems to freeze at that point in time. It almost seems that if they continue their life, they are guilty of forgetting the one that is lost. In our heads, we know that is not true. But in our hearts we are not so sure.

When the apostle Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14 "Brethren, I do not regard myself of having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Forgetting what lies behind. I choose to think that God, through Paul, may have meant that we are not to dwell on what lies behind, rather than forgetting about it entirely. Paul referenced his past from time to time, but he did not dwell on it. This family does not focus entirely on what they lost, but they will never completely forget about her.

Use your experience(s) to help others.

This is simple, I suppose. Lots of people are hurting, for lots of different reasons. Everyone is going through a difficult time, in one way or another. People who have experienced loss in their lives are uniquely positioned to identify with others when they suffer loss. I remember talking with a friend who had just lost his job. I could look him in the eye and tell him, with authority, that he would survive. I had lost my job, and survived. It is not just false platitudes when you speak comfort to a person if you come from your own experience. We are who we are because of all of the experiences we have, both good and bad. Use your experience to minister to others.

When you minister to others, don't talk only about your loss; focus on theirs, even if their loss reminds you of yours.

OK, is it just me, or does this seem to fly in the face of what I just said? It really doesn't. Even
though another person's loss will, no doubt, remind you of yours, don't talk about it. Not even a little bit...even if you think, no, even if you are sure that telling them about your loss will help them deal with theirs. When you are with the other person, let it all be about them and their situation. It will remind you of your loss, and that's only natural. When you are with them, let it be entirely about them. Listen more than you speak.

My friends are extraordinary people. They would disagree, and I would tell them they are wrong. They are stronger than most people. They have endured a tremendous loss, but refuse to allow their loss to define them. They use their loss to minister to others. They focus more on other people than on themselves. Most of all, they recognize and proclaim God's truth...even as it is related in Romans 8:28, where Paul says "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

We're fortunate to have friends who live in Hawaii. We are more fortunate to share a common faith in a God who can see us through any circumstance